Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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