Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
