Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
