you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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