i was rollin on her like bob the builder
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
