Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
