I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
