I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
