i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
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I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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