If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
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She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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