The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
