I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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