You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
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Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
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I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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