I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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