I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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