When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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