maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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