And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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