I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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