May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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