I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
