Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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