his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
