guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
