His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
