just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize