Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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