Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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