the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
