btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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