Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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