he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
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He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
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I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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