I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
