dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
