can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
