So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
