Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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