We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
