I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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