i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
