When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
