i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
