just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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