i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
