Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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