either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
