Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
