if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
