I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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