I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My liver just had a heart attack.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president