Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
