Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
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Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
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Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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