I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
