final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
