I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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